Offseason

During the other eleven months of the year, Santa disguises himself as Leroy the vagrant. He's really good at it; none of the neighborhood kids recognize him through his interesting new scent and decidedly unjolly attitude.


Santa's best little helper, Gumdrop, spends the off months working at the local paintball course, and somehow manages to stay cheerfull year round.


Rudolph spent the summer with his cousins down in Wyoming.


Santa's vowed to never park his sleigh in Compton again.


And word on the street is that Mrs. Clause won't be back to the North Pole for another eight to ten years.

A festival of lights

Ok, what's the deal with outside Christmas lights? Honestly, somebody please explain it to me.

Every year my neighbors get progressively tackier with their light arrangements and decorations. My house is literally surrounded by crazy people who are proud of the fact that they've made my street look like the Las Vegas strip. With all these tasteless people, my shadowy, undecorated house stands out like a midget in a punch bowl, and I'm proud of that. One neighbor has so many lights that it literally keeps me awake at night. Being that I've put up with this nonsense for years, I think I've become quite the expert on outside Christmas lights.

There are basically two types of decorators: normal people, who seem content with making their house look identical to everyone else on their street, and lunatics.

This first group of people have no imagination. They use every cliche in the book; Reindeer on the roof, Snowmen on the lawn, and those ridiculous hanging icicle lights that look absolutely nothing like icicles. If this is a picturesque description of your house, then... ummm... awkward silence...

Seriously, if your house is like this, I mean no disrespect, in fact, I wish you lived on my street. That would be alot better than the tasteless imbeciles I currently reside near.



My neighbors and other people like them are just barking lunatics. I honestly think these people watch National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation to get pointers from Clark Griswold. These psychos engage in competition with other psychos for the "Guess who's responsible for California's energy-deficit award." My street alone is covered with inflatable Santas, garage-door projectors, and enough blinking lights to ground a 747. This year, one of my neighbors has gone crazy with the oversized inflatable Christmas characters. He's got a snowman, a Santa, a Reindeer, a Penguin, and even a giant snow globe. All I can say is; this year, I'm asking Santa for a crossbow.