Pecadillo's Kitchen volume 1

After carefully contemplating what my next post should be, I think I may have come up with something very helpful. It is my belief that a good post should be both entertaining, and useful. It is also my belief that many of my readers are a lot like me: single, with no signs of that changing anytime soon. What could be more useful than teaching my terminally single friends how to make the world's greatest nachos?

First of all, I think a warning is in order; if you're one of those people who refuses to cook anything without a list of exact measurements, then don't bother reading this; you will never hear such a thing from me. You know who you are—the type of person who will actually rake a cup of flour with a knife, so that your measurement is as precise as possible. If that's you, you make me sick. Where's your sense of adventure? How do you expect to improve your recipes? Instead of cups and quarts, I go by the Pecadillo Standard Measurement System; consisting of mostly handfuls and, well—more handfuls. If I were like you, I never would have discovered that the trick to making really, really, really, incredibly, good Kraft Macaroni & Cheese is to add nearly twice as much milk and butter than the directions say. GOSH!

Anyhoo, another warning: don't expect any strange or hard-to-come-by ingredients from me. I'm well aware that most people think it's cool to offer recipes filled with herbs and spices you've never heard of. I'm sorry, but if you have to travel all over the world just to obtain the required ingredients, that kind of defeats the purpose of cooking at home. Not only are my ingredients easy to find; they're cheap.

Also, two very crucial facts should be noted; I am by no means a cultured person, and I grew up in L. A. This pretty much means everything I cook is an Americanized rip-off of an otherwise excellent Mexican meal. Translation: If I cooked it, you can bet it's going to be very spicy and very unhealthy.

Another thing: whenever I give you a recipe, I may suggest brand names, but I leave it up to you to decide what brands to use. That may come as a shock, but it is quite logical. Have you ever eaten over at a friend's house, and everything tasted weird? You know what I'm talking about; the milk tastes strange, the bread's all wrong. They use fake butter. I hate that. Everyone has their preferences. That's why I don't force mine upon you. I will only ever suggest what works for me.

And finally, anything from Pecadillo's kitchen is meant to be consumed by a man. I have yet to meet a woman who shares my culinary tastes. Any and all recipes of mine are meant exclusively for men; don't hold your breath for Pecadillo's Fondue Recipe. If you're a woman, and if after reading my description you feel you might enjoy the World's Greatest Nachos, then by all means, give 'em a shot. Just don't say I didn't warn you.

That being said, here's what you'll need:

• Tortilla chips (preferably Mission Corn Tortilla Chips)
  
• Grated sharp cheddar cheese (it's a bit on the pricey side but Tillamook is the best)
  
• A can of your favorite chili (If you don't already know what your favorite can of chili is, then stop reading this. In fact, don't ever show your fancy-boy face at this blog again)
  
• A jar of jalapeños (Mission has made yet another contribution to my refrigerator)
  
• Bottled hot pepper sauce (your preference; but there is NO beating Cholula)
  
• A carton of sour cream (Knudson is mighty fine)
  
• A bottle of salsa (I prefer Herdez)

Arrange your chips on a plate like a ring, with a hole in the middle. I call this "the chip-doughnut." After you have heated your chili in a separate dish, apply a generous amount in the middle of the chip-doughnut. This may sound strange, but it is essential. Most people just pile the chips on the plate with the chili on top. Unfortunately, by the time you reach the bottom of the nachos, your chips will be too greasy from the chili. If doing this does not cause your chips to become soggy with orange grease, then you prefer a pathetic excuse for chili and are no longer welcome at this blog.

After filling the chip-doughnut with the chili goodness, it's time to add the cheese. Here's a valuable rule of thumb. There is no such thing as too much cheese. Taking heed of this rule will do wonders for you if you plan on mastering anything and everything from Pecadillo's Kitchen. Just be sure to apply the cheese as evenly as possible, allowing for even melting. Next, you add the jalapeños and hot-sauce (better be Cholula). No rules as to quantity; all I ask is that you refer to them with my preferred pronunciation: "jah LOP a noes."

Now it's time to microwave. All microwaves are different, so I won't specify time. I've found that it works much better if you nuke it in several small spurts as opposed to one long nuking. Also, it is important to cover your plate with a splash guard. Failing to do so will dry out your entire plate of nachos. The only other thing you need to know here is that you should wait until all your cheese is completely melted; count to five; then stop the microwave. If you cook them too long, you'll notice that the cheese begins to bubble and form a hard texture. If this occurs, you've just ruined the nachos and are now forced to start over. Assuming the nuking went well, remove your nachos from the microwave, and apply sour cream to taste. More is better.

Now pour yourself an extra large drink and enjoy.