Thursday, October 13, 2005

People are more stupider.

Today, a man came into my store inquiring about a new pump for his koi pond. I suspect this was his first contact with the outside world in weeks.

The man was fifty-something and appeared to be wearing the sleeves of a brown wool shag coat. About the time I realized he was wearing a sleeveless shirt, he informed me that his current pump will often "arch" a spark. He also mentioned he's noticed that, when barefoot, he gets a shock whenever he sticks his hand in the water. The man then proceeded to look me in the eye and ask me with a straight face, "Does that sound serious?"

After explaining to him the obvious danger of his pond's electrical setup, I handed him a new pump and UV sterilizer to replace his old ones. He then said—and I promise you I'm not making this up—"I'm not too good with reading words. You'll have to tell me what to do."

Well, now there's a shocker.

There is a family of four that has been frequenting my store longer than I've been an employee. The only problem is I'm pretty sure they've never bought a single thing. Now I don't want to sound like I think everyone who enters our store is obligated to leave having purchased something, but they come in every week—as if we were their own personal, no-admission-fee Sea World®.

Also, I'm not sure, but I suspect their two boys are the spawn of Satan.

I've never caught the boys names, so let's call them "Uday" and "Qusay". These two troglodytes love to wipe their grubby, filthy hands all over our aquariums. I realize that doesn't sound like a big deal but it takes me a long time to clean all those tanks, and I'm proud of the fact that I do a good job. A lot of kids do that, but these kids are out of control. They're constantly running around our store, knocking things over, breaking our equipment, and shouting at the fish. Every time they come in, Uday and Quusay enjoy testing the buoyancy of new kinds of candy by placing it into one of the aquariums.

When their parents discover the havoc their sons are wreaking, they usually respond by laughing or say something like, "Isn't that cute?"

Who are these people, and why do they seem to flock to me?

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16 Comments:

Blogger Will said...

That's funny about the seaworld thing. You have to admit, its a cheap family outing.

Thursday, October 13, 2005 1:54:00 PM  
Blogger Rev. James Jackson said...

When I was a kid I used to go to the dog kennel and watch dogs. My parents never let me have a pet. Never.

Thursday, October 13, 2005 3:51:00 PM  
Blogger Jeremy Weaver said...

Uday and Qusay. I thought you were talking about my kids for a second.
Then I realized that I would probably respond to my boys doing that in the opposite extreme and drag them both out by the ear.
(They're joined at the ear)

Thursday, October 13, 2005 4:28:00 PM  
Blogger C-train said...

I saw and thought of your "Live Strong Fall Strong Posts."

Thursday, October 13, 2005 5:01:00 PM  
Blogger suzi said...

Matt,

That is so funny!

Thursday, October 13, 2005 9:30:00 PM  
Blogger BlogPirate said...

Your birthday is the day after mine. I turned 24. For my birthday my friends took me to a fair where they paid my way for me to chase a pig around a wrestling ring full of mud. I guess you could say that it was the best birthday ever.

Thursday, October 13, 2005 11:51:00 PM  
Blogger Fred Butler said...

I'll make sure my kids are better behaved next time.

Fred
Hip and Thigh

Friday, October 14, 2005 6:08:00 AM  
Blogger Frank Martens said...

I think that bottom picture of the kid with the gun was me at the age of 10 after a game of Airsoft. I think I was pretty ticked that I lost.

Friday, October 14, 2005 9:47:00 AM  
Blogger Daniel said...

I think I have had both those kids names as my verification word at various times.

Friday, October 14, 2005 9:51:00 AM  
Blogger Frank Martens said...

I'm just waiting for a guy to come along and say "Hey! That's my name! My full name is Qusay Usafa Bin There. Why do you make fun of my name?"

Friday, October 14, 2005 12:07:00 PM  
Blogger centuri0n said...

It's the way you hold your purse.

And we have just learned something important about RevJJ, but I will leave what that is up to the imagination until Monday ...

Friday, October 14, 2005 1:14:00 PM  
Blogger centuri0n said...

I also wanted to say that Daniel's latest avatar does not make him look smart. It makes him look like he should be giving us all purse-holding lessons. Those little glasses are completely effeminate and artsy -- in the bad way.

Friday, October 14, 2005 1:16:00 PM  
Blogger Frank Martens said...

dude, I can't wait!

Friday, October 14, 2005 2:12:00 PM  
Blogger Bazooka-Joe said...

I'm not giving the kids a "get out of jail free card"...but, we're talking like 5-6 year olds right? Where are the parents? Watching the havoc unfold before their eyes and then pantomiming bewilderment and horrific novelty? I love it. Let's excuse every deplorable deed and recalcitrant defiance of authority in the name of "kids will be kids".

"Damien, stop injecting your brother with Clorox....[smile]...kids these days."

Friday, October 14, 2005 2:32:00 PM  
Blogger Rev. Jackson James said...

When I was a kid we were encouraged to have pets.

Saturday, October 15, 2005 12:34:00 PM  
Blogger Rev. James Jackson said...

Rev. Jackson James....or whatever your name is. I have contacted my lawyer. You are in trouble. Big time. Identity theft. Ever heard of it? Its a little thing thats been illegal for a long time.

Also, the bible says plenty about not pretending to be someone you arent.

Saturday, October 15, 2005 3:09:00 PM  

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