Sunday, November 05, 2006

Ugly Dog Olympics

I've already shown you the ugliest dog in the world. But since he's been mercifully put down, the world title for ugliest dog alive is now up for grabs. Which of these hideous pooches will walk away as the new champ? That's up to you; cast your vote in the comments section of this post. The contestants are broken down into four categories, choose wisely.

Our first round of competitors is the "Spawn of Kujo" category:

This is Muffie. She likes to play fetch, go on long walks, and tear the flesh off paper boys and delivery men. Fortunately, she was born completely blind so she's not as threatening as she appears, every once in a while though she gets lucky.

This is Reginald T. Berkowitz. The first four years of his life were happy ones spent with his owners at a lake house in Vermont. That all changed one fateful winter night when little Reginald was struck by lightning, giving him the power to destroy anyone who makes the mistake of looking him in the eye.

Meet Scurvy. He's a very disturbed dog that was almost put down last year after he attacked his owner and three senior citizens. Luckily - for him - he was run over by an ice cream truck later that night. The accident claimed both his hind legs, causing him to be viewed as less of a threat to his neighborhood and in turn, saving his life.

This is Steve Perry, he was born with Hydrophoby. I think he's sufferin'.

The next round is the "Wait, that's a dog?" category.

This is Stanley J. Binkus. Stanley is most commonly mistaken for a mop... until his hair gets really dirty and then he is mistaken for Bob Marley.

This is Oprah. She is most commonly confused with a pile of dirty rags. She has had multiple owners due to the fact that she has, on numerous occasions, been accidentally donated to the Good Will. Strangely, all of her masters have seen fit to name her "Oprah". What are the odds of that?

This is Lil' George Clinton. This little pooch has more soul in one of his little dred locks than anyone else in his native Alaskan homeland.

This is Stripe. Stripe has maintained an illustrious film and television career playing the villain in many B-movies, namely "Gremlins" and "Gremlins 2 the new batch".

Meet Reuben, he is most often mistaken for something that another dog has regurgitated.

Round three; the "Dog Deluise" category:

This is Jabba the Mutt. I can't seem to figure out how he got that name.

This is Matt. Theoretically speaking, Matt still has the ability to stand up on his own. However no one has witnessed him do so in over 7 years.

And last, it's the "Honey, put it in reverse and finish him" category:

It's unclear if Lil' Justice here is foaming at the mouth or choking on some kind of rodent. By the looks of him, I'd say it's probably a little bit of both.

This dog's name is the "Unsinkable Doggy Brown". He's survived numerous near-drownings despite the best efforts of literally all of his owners.

Wait a minute, that's not a dog. Wow, I can't imagine how that one could have slipped in.

The jury is still out on weather or not Roscoe here is even a dog. Some say it's a rat, others say it's a Mogwai. Either way, I wouldn't feed it after midnight until I get the okay from a licensed veterinarian.

This is Skippy. If nothing else, Skippy's life has served to raise more questions about the possible evil nature of Chihuahuas, not to mention their questionable status as a bona fide K9 in the first place.

Say hello to Monty. This frightening little pooch is what happens when zoo keepers foolishly cross-bread a dog with a giraffe as a joke. Monty is said to be the only dog in the world that voluntarily wears a smoking jacket. He may not be pretty, but he's got class!

Here's Festus. I think the name says it all.

El Jefe here is possibly the ugliest dog in the contest. What gives her that extra edge is the fact that you know that some crazy lady out there thinks that El Jefe is adorable. It's one thing to have an ugly dog and know it, this is way worse... but that's for you to decide.



Blogger Susi Z said...

I think I have met you once because our parents know each other from Grace. I think that I like your blog, but I can't decide whether you are really funny or on crack. Best of luck!

Sunday, November 05, 2006 5:33:00 PM  
Blogger Ali said...

These are the most ugly in order;
that's it. I'm sure of it.

Pec, Somewhere in the Germany there's a lonely old women crying over your comment. -FOR SHAME-

Sunday, November 05, 2006 6:08:00 PM  
Blogger Amanda said...

I think it's a toss up between Oprah and Reuben...what in the world is coming out of Oprah's mouth? If that's her mouth.
Jaba the Mutt
The Unsinkable Doggy Brown. That dog creeps me out.

Sunday, November 05, 2006 11:41:00 PM  
Blogger Frank Martens said...

Dude, that was a good laugh, thanks.

Monday, November 06, 2006 6:50:00 AM  
Blogger Emily Taylor said...

Reuben, man someone needs to put that dog out of its misery and out of mine
Jaba the mutt
Festus, the name alone qualifies him for a mention

Monday, November 06, 2006 9:09:00 AM  
Blogger TEXpresby said...

STRIPE...without a doubt, the most ugly dog of the bunch!

Jabba the Mutt is my kinda dog!

Keep the laughs coming, and please don't arrest me when I come to the shepherd's conference next year to hear your dad speak.

grace and peace,


Monday, November 06, 2006 4:04:00 PM  
Blogger Away From The Brink said...

Steve Perry's actual name is Jasper. You can see the original picture, as taken by Natalie Lileks, here. Scroll down.

Monday, November 06, 2006 7:27:00 PM  
Blogger Frank Di Gerl said...

You know what's sad... my sister would think those dogs were cute. One and all.

She also thought the Balrog in the Lord of the Rings was cute.

I think we should rename her Elmira.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006 9:48:00 AM  
Blogger Steele said...

Definitely Reuben, Monty, then Festus.

At least Oprah has a good party trick...she can blow bubbles. Nothing says chips and dip like bubbles from a dogs mouth.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006 12:09:00 PM  
Blogger Theteak said...

Awesome post. Nice. My kids love the dogs btw.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006 4:44:00 PM  
Blogger a suburban housewife said...

I'm gonna have to go with "Scurvy" only because he looks so much like the creature from "Lady in the Water."

Tuesday, November 07, 2006 6:32:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As i look at these pics two words keep coming up simultaneously - ugly and pathetic. much more ugpathetic can:
Reuben or
"Champ. Shave & a Haircut"
"Unsinkable Doggy Brown" or
"Champ. Wet Behind the Ears"
Stanley J. Binkus or
"Champ. R A G G M O P P"

Tuesday, November 07, 2006 8:54:00 PM  
Blogger FX Turk said...

All of them are funny except Reuben. I had a dog up until 2 years ago, and she was the best Yellow Lab that was ever born. Until she developed the skin condition Reuben clears has.

We had to put her to sleep -- meaning me, the Dad, had to put her to take her to the vet and put her to sleep. My kids were 2 and 4 at the time, and they still hope God is taking care of ol' Tigger because she was too sick to stay with us anymore.

I'll never be the same, man. And here you make a joke out of that kind of suffering. That's ugly.

No wait -- the Maddy Albright pic is actually ugly. the other thing is just sad.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006 6:09:00 AM  
Blogger Fred Butler said...

This post reminds me of "lil brudder"

Don't cry for me. I can make it on my own!

Wednesday, November 08, 2006 7:34:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, centuri0n, i'm so sorry about your lab. we had a yellow lab, Lakota, we had to put down for a different reason. they really get attached to your heart, don't they. now we have a jrt that has really dug deep down in our hearts. (btw, he is the BEST DOG in the world!) how very kind of the Lord to give us pets to care for and to love. what great companions they are, regardless of what they look like.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006 8:53:00 AM  
Blogger Away From The Brink said...


That is not Maddy Albright. That is Helen Thomas.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006 6:53:00 PM  
Blogger Scott McClare said...

Wow . . . no blog post has made me laugh so hard as your original comments on the lovely and talented Sam. But this rogues' gallery of Zombie Supervillain Dogs has come close. Darn close.

Spike wins this round. It's his limp, encrusted tongue that puts him on top.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006 7:59:00 PM  
Blogger Fred Butler said...

I don't know Ransom, that one dog with the big slobber bubble coming out of his lip is in a category all its own.


Thursday, November 09, 2006 6:30:00 AM  
Blogger Scott McClare said...

I wasn't even sure which end of the dog we were looking at, Fred.

Thursday, November 09, 2006 7:37:00 AM  
Blogger Joe L. said...

Oprah has my vote

Friday, November 10, 2006 5:07:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oprah, because with all those deep wrinkles that are only rarely exposed to the air, she is not only the ugliest but likely the dog with the most interesting odour.

Sunday, November 12, 2006 6:31:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Spawn of Kujo: Muffie
Wait, that's a dog?: Reuban
Dog Deluise: Jabba the Mutt
Honey, put it in reverse and finish him:Unsinkable Doggy Brown

Over all: Reuban

Wednesday, November 15, 2006 1:24:00 PM  
Blogger Ali said...

Hold the phone...
That REAL?!?


Sunday, November 19, 2006 5:22:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think Roscoe is cute. But Reuben gets my vote for the ugliest. For sure.

-and I think El Jefe is kinda cute-

Thursday, November 23, 2006 8:36:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


That dog needs to see a vet!!! If I was the owner, I'd be worried about the ASPCA showing up at my door!!


Monday, November 27, 2006 7:36:00 PM  
Blogger princess me said...

m8 r u on crak

Thursday, November 22, 2007 5:10:00 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

some of these dogs arent even ugly!! SOME OF THEM LOOK LIKE THEY WERE DEAD!! if the stupid owners wouldnt terrorize the dogs, the dogs would probably live much happier lives! imagine if your mother made you look hideous just to have her childs title "WORLDS UGLIEST KID!!!" what if they gave you your own website just so viewers could make fun of you, write about how hideous you are, and talk to their friends about how hideous you are?! you people are sick and cruel! that is like saying a puppy or kitten, or even a newborn baby was ugly and looked dead!!

Friday, November 30, 2007 7:18:00 PM  
Blogger hwymanxxx said...

if the lady before me can`t take a joke, she should not look. every one wants to see ugly pets as a joke. also the uglyer the pet is naturally the more $ people will pay.

Monday, December 10, 2007 11:57:00 AM  
Blogger Jason Robertson said...

Great post!

Thursday, January 24, 2008 10:34:00 AM  
Blogger Asha said...

oh my god. you are so mean.
theses are dogs. not some trash you can throw around and take pictures of and say its ugly, and tease the poor creaatures. you are a mean jerk. I really think you should stop this. you are a really big jerk. i love dogs, i hate

Tuesday, May 20, 2008 4:15:00 PM  
Blogger hwymanxxx said...

if ASHA can`t take a joke, she shouldn`t look. i like dog`s myself. but ugly is ugly no matter what. don`t matter if we are male/female, dog`s or cats. besides, besides beauty is only skin deep. we all know barbie is fake. ken is gay. big deal . ASHA get over it.

Sunday, May 25, 2008 6:27:00 PM  
Blogger bambi said...

the last dog that you thionk is the ugliest i absolutly adore! she is sooo cute! i want her!

Friday, May 30, 2008 5:47:00 PM  
Blogger bambi said...

i love the last dog!i want her!

Friday, May 30, 2008 5:48:00 PM  
Blogger bambi said...

Asha is right! dogs are mans best friend! unless your a cross dressing man. than its diffrant. but dogs are not made to be made fun of or abused! there just like humans! and any person on here that thinks they are all ugly than i think are ugly! and if you did say even one is ugly than you have no heart!

Friday, May 30, 2008 5:52:00 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

that is soo mean how there saying all these dogs are so ugly.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008 10:23:00 AM  
Blogger shawi said...

i think that everyone that laughs at rueben is cruel. he's clearly suffering. this condition hes in is not what he deserves. no dog deserves this. all of the other dogs are undeserving of their owners too.they deserve someone that will love them and care for them. unlike their current owners that laugh in their miserable faces, screw people that dont think twice about this website and how unnecessary these contests are.

Monday, July 28, 2008 8:57:00 PM  
Blogger Ranting Debes said...

Roscoe, no Stripe. No, Roscoe! Hasn't Stripe already won an award for this? Good on you Stripe for breaking into Hollywood!

I think this dog could be a contender though:

Friday, August 08, 2008 10:49:00 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

i would so rather pet the ruben dog over the Unsinkable Doggy Brown. that is just animal cruelty, at least ruben has a soft looking fuzzy patch on his back.

Sunday, September 14, 2008 12:20:00 PM  
Blogger OMG!OMG!OMG! said...



Monday, December 08, 2008 3:35:00 AM  
Blogger OMG!OMG!OMG! said...



Monday, December 08, 2008 3:36:00 AM  
Blogger Unknown said...

ok 2 of them were not dogs

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